You Lazy Bum, You

I think I've applied to about 20 jobs now. In a day. So, some of the responses I've got were quite interesting.

Hello,

Thanks for the quick reply. The job is pretty straight forward. You
will be answering the phone, scheduling meetings, and running company
errands, but we really need someone to answer the phone. While
running errands you will be provided with a company credit card.

Due to misuse in the past with the company credit card by employees, a
credit check proving a candidates clean credit history is
required. You can do this by visiting
http://CreditCheckAssistant.notlong.com and quickly obtaining a credit
check. When
you submit your information they will send you your credit history.
Forward it to me and I will schedule you for an interview.

We have full and part time positions available. Send me your schedule
and how many hours per week you plan on working. Looking forward to
hearing back.

All the best,

Jeremy Tommy,
Human Resources, Manager

and as if i'm a flaming dumbass, i'm like, o i guess that doesn't sound like such a roundabout suggestion right? riiiight. and then i got this one:

Dear candidate,

Thank you very much for your interest in our Craigslist job posting. This email is to notify you that we have received your inquiry and that, in the next few days, one of our representatives will review the information you have provided.

Given the high volume of applicants, we require that candidates first complete our online personality test. Click Here or type this link in the address bar in your browser: http://www.jobnexus.org/quiz.php and follow the instructions.

If you're a good match for our current needs, we will contact you directly as soon as possible. Otherwise, we will keep your details on file for consideration of future roles.

Your JobNexus ID is: 16320. Please make a note of this as you may require it during the process of your application.

Thanks again,

JobNexus Team

....this is after i received 5 responses all with the same wording, all with the same "requirements." Thanks, Life.

In the dark? Follow the Son

Recap of my ultra-fab ith excursion:

Sunday: Saw the Hangover with Nessa. Laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Almost.

Monday: Had an interview for an "unpaid" research position which I will NOT be taking up because contrary to popular belief, I am a poor, sick bastard in desperate need of $$. So I ended the day by seeing kala dahhling for din din and then watching a disturbing medley of Audrey Tatou movies, one in which she plays a crazy lovesick psychopath (he loves me, he loves me not) and another where she's a glammed out ho. both equally nightmare-inducing.

Tuesday: So I woke up with a brilliant idea to sort through other ppl's leftover semester dumps for clothes I could sell at the local thrift shop. What can I say, one person's trash is another person's sellable treasure. So Marcy and I began the exciting process of sorting through such dumps and by the end, we had 3 bags of unwanted but still quite reusable shit + another 3 bags of my own clothes that I've had since like 1st grade. I must admit, however, that parting with such remnants of my childhood proved no easy feat for me, as I became quite teary-eyed thinking of selling my history at some secondhand froufrou shop. Sad, so sad. BUT, we were feeling like we could make quite a fortune with the 6 bundles of reusable goodies so we lugged everything in my car and made the trek downtown. That is, until we got to Trader K's. As we got all except one bag into the store, Marcy and I were trying to decide what to put our items under, since we had to wait for them to sort everything out and reward us generously. As we were deciding, the cashier, who I will now happily name as Big Stick Up Ass, was like, "um...excuse me, excuse me, are you guys done yet or what."Ignoring the obvious disdain coming from a puny little thing whose sole purpose in life was to serve, we decided to put everything under the name "Marcy" and I went back out to my car to get the last bag of goodies. Upon my return (approx. 5 min later) the conversation went something like the following:

Big Stick Up Ass (pointing to my other 5 bags on the floor): those are yours, we can't use those.
Me: what do you mean you can't use those? did you even look?
Big Stick Up Ass: um yeah I did, and the stuff is too old.
Me (looking at the sign behind her head which states "We Buy/Sell Used Items"): um...isn't this where you sell used stuff?
Big Stick Up Ass: yeah, but yours is too old.
Me: really? because I see some price tags sticking out from my stuff.
Big Stick Up Ass: Well, that's winter stuff. it's not winter.
Me (pointing to the racks of sweaters next to me): really, because 50% of the stuff here is winter apparel.
Big Stick Up Ass: Well, we're not taking more.
Me: Did you look at the bags of shoes I had?
Big Stick Up Ass: Yeah, and we can't take those either.
Me: What do you mean, they're boots and flats that haven't been worn.
Big Stick Up Ass: Well, they're not leather.
Me (looking at the rows of espadrilles and sandals made from CLOTH on the shelves): I thought you said you weren't taking winter stuff, I would assume leather is kinda hot to wear in the summer, and besides, the flats and the boots ARE leather. did you even look.
Big Stick Up Ass: Well, we've got too many flats. No more room.
Me (looking at the rows of PLATFORM sandals and STILETTO HEELS): really, because I don't see any flats.
Big Stick Up Ass: Well, we're just not taking them.
Me (pointing to a SILK antique dress in one of my bags): did you take a look at that, it's new and hasn't been worn.
Big Stick Up Ass: that looks too old fashioned. we don't do that here.
Me: what? i've bought antique looking things here before. and you definitely still SELL them.
Big Stick Up Ass: well, the dress isn't in fashion.
Me (picking up a drab looking POLYESTER rainbow striped mens shirt and yellow-stained plaid women's shirt from the rack): But you sell items like this, right?
Big Stick Up Ass: Well, it's better material.
Me: what? are you serious???
Big Stick Up Ass: All I can do is give you $5 for a blouse and the rainboot.

Needless to say, I was livid. I parked my car with 40 min in the meter, so afterwards, Big Stick Up Ass wanted us to get our unsold shit from the store asap. I was like, hell fing no--that would require wasting the 75 cents I put into the meter. So Marcy and I ended up strolling into 2 other stores, taking a seriously long time at a seriously leisurely pace. So then when i checked my phone when I got into the car, I had received a call from Big Stick Up Ass with the following:

Hello, this is Trader K's. Thank you for your business today. However, you still have several bags of your items left in the store, and I thought you were going to get them immediately, but because you haven't yet, we will report you to the police within the next hour.

---what?!

so ummmm psycho woman. i thought ith was supposed to be filled with tree-huggers and happy go lucky puffers. aren't ppl from second hand stores also supposed to be charitable, good, and kind, you know like, group hug ppl and generally hippydippy. wtf happened. o right, i know. RACIST. Afterwards, to release my long pent up anger, I went to go do 75 min of cardio with Marcy. Goodness knows I will prolly look like yellow wonder woman if I keep this up...NO MORE. but afterwards, I did reward myself by going to see Up. I also cried my eyes out in the beginning---movies about loving old couples just makes me a mess. btw, I also gave the leftover bags of priceless shit to the Salvation Army. God will reward me.

Wednesday: so I was supposed to go home already, but then Nessa bribed me with a stimulating trip to Barnes & Nobles (where I spent a day lavishing over the fantasy wars of Terre d'Ange) and roast meats for dinner. Therefore, it was pretty uneventful except I had an awesome dream about someone who I will name, Fried Chicken Fingers. I don't think I've ever had a dream abotu Fried Chicken Fingers before, and all ppl need to know about it was that it was TASTY. o and true to her bribe, Nessa and I made corned beef. it turned out a mix of like carribbean/asian fusion. so of course, it was TASTY. what a yummy day, ended with me, kevy and nessa watching the exorcism of emily rose. slept like a babe, again.

So now I'm home at last, hopefully, to sore hearts that have missed me truly madly deeply.

peace and giant asian woman thighs

-me.

A Life Monastic

//This has been now nearing the 2nd week of my life as a Cornell grad. One would think that after a final semester at Cornell, one's life would be smitten with ease and afternoon cosmos with tea biscuits.

// Instead, after a semester of laboring over grand, universal questions of human existence in the likes of what would happen, heaven forbid, if nuclear explosions occurred in space (?!) and meaningless hours of life lost and suffered from a 75 pg long brain fart thesis, losing days of sleep which has assisted in the accumulation of fine wrinkles on my previously supple and youthful asian skin, losing quarts of blood from fine, delicate fingers that wouldn't stop bleeding from practicing the piano for a senior recital, delighting in the frustrations of Nameless Sausage 1, 2 and 3, I find myself quite discombobulated with grief over projects that do not magically appear before me as they once did while I frolicked amid the punitive texts, long and treacherous hikes to and from C-town, drunken white girls, ugly ass men, and scholars of the world that is my heart far above Cayuga's waters in Cornell.

//In a word, I am bleep-ing bored.

//So what has this recent Cornell grad been doing with her life now that she is almost $50,000 in debt?? I am pleased to announce that I have been stimulating my bored brain with mind-numbing TV shows such as True Blood (because I need a vampire fix until 11.10.09 *wink wink*) and the Bachelorette (this dumb bleep best get rid of Wes and marry Jake if she has brains to overcome that hatchet face) and reading trash novels like Kushiel's Dart (thanks Nessa, for shoving this book about fantasy whorehouses in my face as the best-read ever), and investigating the inner workings of the London pub scene for my long awaited coming in fall 2009. and did I mention I started working out, surprise to even myself who considers washing dishes a cardiovascular workout. I want to be ready when I take on Europa.

//If it is not obvious already, I am also unemployed. which is why I also made a pact with Nameless Sausage 3 to get me a bartending/waitressing gig. More to share later.

//Goals of the summer:

1. Lose 10 or 15-because my body should always be a bleep-ing temple.
2. Add some greens to the piggy bank
3. Write a book-if my likes and dislikes are any indication of who I am, my writings would be probably be along the lines of the Gashlycrumb Tinies and entailing S&M, but written for children, of course.
4. Read up on French. The langue d'amour is always a perfect accessory.
5. Compose a song-Robert Pattinson inspired me.
6. Start a blog-well, whatddya know, I think I just completed this goal. Looks like my life is on the right track for summer already.